vintagewitch: (stand with antlers on)
I think this weekend I hit Peak Stress. I had volunteers flaking and being difficult left and right on Saturday, then Sunday the balance switched, but it was still very full and stressful.

It's probably just the stress, but despite cutting out dairy my GI issues are still very much with me. I feel nauseous/bloated after I eat a full meal. So I think I'm gonna switch to smaller meals, throughout the day in hopes that the illness stays away.

I'm also just feeling under the weather because of how much I've been pushing myself.

It's also been really difficult for me to shake off the national person's words from Wednesday. She basically told me I was failing at my job, that our numbers were too low, and that what I had thought was success wasn't enough. Which also makes me panic that she would never hire me in the future. I'm torn. I don't know whether to put in so many extra hours (unpaid hours) to make this a success, or to do the best with what I've got and keep myself healthy and maintain my boundaries.

Then again, I've pushed and pushed and pushed myself and STILL I don't have a regular job as an organizer. They're hard to come by, and nothing's a given, but lately my brain has been telling me that it's probably because I'm not that good at it. 

I do know that people in the metro area know about the march. At our flyering events this weekend, I would say an average of almost half the people we talked to already knew about the march. The word is out there - people just aren't RSVP-ing.

I don't know. I guess I'm just grateful that I'm not working another part-time job this week. I can focus all my efforts on this, and not balance all the transportation between jobs and the weird breaks. 

I'm really looking forward to next week. I'm thinking of going camping solo in the middle of the week, just to get away from everything. 

I reread my book of shadows last night - with entries dating back to 2005. 2009/2010 were especially active years for me. I was rereading it in large part because I have some plans for this full moon, and I was looking for ideas, but wow. I think a big part of why I keep a journal - personal, blog, book of shadows, whatever - is to reread it later, and see how far I've grown, and to remember the journey. And it's been a long time that I've been on this path. 

And I still have doubts about my abilities, my wisdom.

vintagewitch: (Default)
Just got called by someone working on this rally at the national level, saying we aren't hitting our numbers. She said "it's not your fault!" but subtext: it is my fault because I'm in charge of recruitment.

She also forgot that I was only hired on to this rally part time. 20 hours a week? NOTHING when you're trying to get 3,000 people to RSVP to a rally.

(Who RSVPs to a rally anyway? NO ONE. That's why this is so hard.)

Everything feels fruitless right now. I had been feeling so good about it, but now I just feel panicked and little and frustrated.

Hello, 2015

Jan. 7th, 2015 09:52 pm
vintagewitch: (coffee and cream)
Man, 2014 was a shitty year for me. Nothing hugely bad happened, but work has sucked at an identity crisis level.

It's fitting that I turned in my two weeks' notice on the last day of 2014. And it has been INSANE the last several days. I quit at my job without having the next thing lined up. It just got to be too much - I had a massive anxiety attack at work. And so I knew it was time to be done - it was unhealthy. I just couldn't keep it up. I called my mom, bawling my eyes out, still having the panic attack, and that was it. She finally said what I needed to hear: That this job isn't worth it.

So the next day, I turned in my letter of resignation. The next day happened to be New Year's Eve. I set off some kind of crazy chain reaction. I had a great New Year's Eve out with friends (so great I overindulged, then had to stay at Kim's while Roxanne snored on the floor), and then a pretty good New Year's Day. Then, I got called in for an interview at one of my favorite cafes - Nina's.

I had the interview on Saturday, and walked away within half an hour with a job offer. Matt and I celebrated by ordering Chinese food and watching a silent movie together.

And this week has gone by in a blur - I've been very busy with work, wrapping up loose ends, and yesterday Matt and I took our parents out for dinner. So yes, this has been a very intense week. I was supposed to meet up with Natascha for dinner, but it would seem that she was feeling under the weather. This turned out ok, because I haven't done laundry in an embarrassing amount of time, and Matt was feeling a bit neglected. It was good to just come home and make dinner with him. It's been too long since we did that - more of that.

It's a good thing - I'm going to have a breakneck couple of weeks. I won't have another day off until January 19. That's ok, I suppose. I did just have a bunch of days off in a row, and the new job at Nina's will be completely different from my job at the neighborhood org. Even still, I'm feeling just exhausted. Friday will be the worst - I'll work a full day at WA, then go to Nina's at 5. Thankfully, I told Marian I'll be working from home on Friday, so I won't have to deal with being all dressed up and being in the office.

She's been strangely good to me lately. I think she has some kind of respect for me. Perhaps I shouldn't be suprised by that.

Something else that's really surprised me has been the outpouring of support from people I know about the moves I'm making in my life. Once I'd told the board that I was leaving, and once I'd started to tell volunteers, I did a big facebook post about the fact that I'm leaving this job. I got just about 70 "likes," and 25 comments in support of the decision. I've been framing it as time for me to finish writing the novel while I wait to hear back about grad school, and everyone is really supportive of that.

I just ... blown away. Very much blown away.

Ok, and now the tired is really starting to seep in. I need to get some sleep - it's very important that I get sleep these days.
vintagewitch: (UP Coast Perhaps)
Today was the kind of morning where I didn't feel like a person until I had my coffee. Now, coffee in hand, I'm getting to writing this journal entry.

NaNoWriMo was a bit of a bust this year. I never did get back into the habit. But I got 25,000 new words, so that's good I suppose. I'm not really beating myself up about that at all. This was just a very busy year to do that, and grad school comes first.

The Thanksgiving weekend has been fantastic for me. Of course, Thanksgiving day is always amazing, and having an extra day out at the farm was wonderful. I played games with Matt, talked with my parents, went on a hike in the woods with dad, ate good food, and got some good peace and quiet.

I'm really excited for a time when I live in a rural area. It's in my bones - I miss the quiet, solitude, the woods ... I've wanted to for so long, and I finally have a plan for doing that - and a partner who's also interested in it. I'm making connections again in the environmental movement, and starting to edge my way into potential contracted positions. I have a limited amount of time every week that I can currently dedicate to the movement, but I'll have more time once I have my application complete and I'm waiting to hear back. And in the mean time, I need to save as much as possible.

Things with Matt have been fantastic lately. We've been doing a lot of movie nights, and yesterday we had an unexpectedly romantic day. We were both getting sick of sitting around working on things, and decided to grab some lunch out and go for a walk. It was a beautiful day, so we ended up walking all the way down West 7th looking for that good Chow Mein place I remember. It ended up being too far, so we ate out at a nice Italian restaurant. We headed back, and I worked on things for a bit, then we watched The Maltese Falcon.

Laughing, happy, fun. It's been like that constantly in our relationship. Pretty much since the decision that I would only apply for the U of MN, and our conversations at Lutsen about moving North together, it's been good. It's been better than good - it's been a dream.

This has been a very strange week. I'm not sure how I feel about going back to work tomorrowRead more... )

No one who's reading this will recognize the userpics that I'll start using, but it's pretty fabulous. My dad got my old (very first, giant 17" Toshiba) laptop working, and asked me to pull any files I might want. Well, let me tell you - it was definitely a trip down memory lane! I found all my old LJ userpics - so of course THOSE will now be a part of the rotation here.

Seriously, they bring back so many memories. I'm glad that even if I can't access my old journal entries, I can still see the images that accompanied them.
vintagewitch: (crystals)

That isn't sarcastic! My day got SO much better!

I totally KILLED IT at the meeting I was super worried about. This is stressful, but conflict resolution can be really rewarding.

I just hope people keep their heads about it. Wow.

Not much to say - I'm in a celebratory mood, and I thought it's important to even the score by posting again.

vintagewitch: (literary kitty)
Ugh, moving. I was getting really anxious about the whole process last night, and so I talked to Matt about it and I think we've got a good plan. What's really making me anxious is that the week before I'm moving, I work 10-4 on Sunday, I have two 11-12 hour days (including the Thursday before the move), Matt's sister's surprise bridal shower is on the Wednesday of that week, so pretty much my only day to get everything packed is Tuesday of next week. Ahhhh!

Matt was able to talk me down a little bit. Thank goodness. But this is gonna be crazy.

So, I started making a list last night of all the things I need to do to move. Here we go:

1. Show apartment - it's gonna be crazy, but just remember: they'll take $100 off the re-rental fee if I find the person to move in.
2. Today: Send Matt home with box of kitchen appliances, maybe some books, dvds, tchotckies, and electronics boxes.
3. Friday: Pack up sewing and camping stuff and take to St. Paul.
4. Saturday: Show apartment, but also pack up books. Take wall shelves out (will need to borrow Matt's drill), spackle, paint.
5. Sunday: Varnish bed? Not necessary - but it would be a good idea to treat the wood, and moving is one of the best times to do that. Pack a bag of clothes for the week, pack the rest of my clothes and bring to Matt's. Unpack all the boxes at Matt's so I can reuse them.
6. Tuesday: Pack EVERYTHING ELSE. Live out of a suitcase for the week.
7. Friday: MOVE.
8. Saturday: Spend day unpacking and rearranging apt. Meet Matt in Hibbing for his sister's wedding. May need to leave early if he's going totally bazonkers with family.
9. Sunday: I have NO idea where I'll wake up. Like, we could be at home, but I also wouldn't be surprised if we have a family sleepover or something. (His family can be a bit cagey about plans - I usually don't know what's going on.) TRY to get to book club - this could be tough if there's a wedding brunch I didn't know about. But oh my word Wuthering Heights, I really want to discuss it. Then: possibly check in on the Whittier Walkers shift from 12-2. Then: Relaxxxxx.

Ok ... that plan seems ok. It all depends on if Matt can do it too. He's coming over tonight, and we'll go over what this all looks like.

On a different note: It looks like he has work for next week! Yay!

Some other things I'm thinking about lately:

1. I NEED to get back to working on my novel. I've been too busy lately, but I have been getting a serious writing bug.
2. On a similar note, I want to do that mythology challenge. I've actually been thinking of ways to build that into the current project.
3. I'm getting kind of serious about stargazing. It will actually be a lot easier in Lowertown - less light pollution, and closer to the highway out of town. I'm trying to find an app that will help me out with that, but since I have an iPhone I can't get the one I want - google stargazer. Grrrr. There's gotta be a good comparison app.
4. I really miss sewing, and working with fabric. When I get to the new space, there are several mending projects I need to finish, but there are some patterns I have that I should really start working on. It would be good to hone my skills a little more.

Oh goodness. Time for me to get to work. BUH ALL THE THINGS.
vintagewitch: (Default)
It's day two of Livejournal, and I have no way of knowing if anyone has found this yet. I'm going to assume that no one will. I've rediscovered, of course, all the bells and whistles that come with livejournal. I'm enjoying finding new livejournal icons, playing around with the layout of the page, but I'm not sure exactly what to write here.

There have been so many things going on lately that I barely know how to start an update. My mind is completely all over the place. I'm oddly awake. It's like I need to get the thoughts out of my head before I can really rest for the night.

Osman quit today at work. Well, he put in his two weeks' notice. I don't know what to do - I'm not sure how well I'll be able to hang on at this point. He is a big part of the reason my job has been bearable - I know that at least I have an ally, and a friend, in the office. Even if he is only there two days a week. But I do think he made the best decision for himself. If someone doesn't feel safe in their job, then I think it is best for them to leave.

But where does that leave me? I mean, really? I don't feel safe. I've been threatened. With each passing day, it feels as if the threat is further away. I'm not sure how else to deal with it. I guess the first time I was in an abusive relationship, the threat didn't feel so damn constant. You get used to living a certain way. And that way becomes the only way.

That's how it will be with my job soon.

I'm not making much sense. I should join my partner in bed. I was much more awake when I started this journal entry, but now my eyelids are drooping. I could use some cuddles. I was in such a good mood ... I don't have to go down this dark path.

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