Field Notes

The new obsession that seems to have taken over writer twitter is Substack and paid newsletter subscriptions. It's like ... patreon, but more intimate?

It's also sort of being marketed as the next big thing in magazines, except you're paying individual writers. A while back I saw a writer on Twitter saying "hey, instead of everyone subscribing to our individual newsletters, why don't we just ... create ... a magazine?" Which really, when you think about it, is a multi-contributor blog except you pay for it. It's something I've considered for one of my professional projects, but it doesn't feel like an efficient way of distributing content. I don't know! Maybe it's what the people truly want! But the archivist/librarian in me wants things to be in one place, that is easily searchable, with complimentary content next to it.

There are plenty of unpaid newsletters as well, but I find those end up just stacking up in the unread part of my inbox. I'd rather all these separate newsletters be a feed - which I suppose my email has become, but still. With my email, everything feels so Important and Essential. It's also where my New York Times daily briefings stack up, because so frequently I just can't deal with the news daily. (And yes - I'm trying to get away from the NYT daily briefing email, esp since the NYT doxxed the whistleblower, but I just can't find something comparable.)

What if we all just collectively decided to go back to places like Dreamwidth and Google Reader? RIP Google Reader, I miss you daily. It would be so awesome to have a robust Dreamwidth community for personal life and diary stuff in one tab, and my Google Reader open in the other tab. 

Do y'all have favorite newsletters you subscribe to? Or an rss feed you're satisfied with? Let me know, I am curious. 

In other news: Started the process of perhaps going back to ED Intensive Outpatient therapy today. So ... yay I guess?

A friend of mine is also dying of kidney failure. He's only 32, so I'm hoping he'll be able to find a donor and be physically able to get the surgery. I've processed this a lot today, so I won't go into it too much here. Needless to say, I'm extremely sad about this and trying to figure out how best to support and help him. 

Time for therapy-suggested gratitude list: 

1. I am so grateful for the library.
2. I am grateful for lovely escapist fiction for hard times (currently sucked in to A Storm of Swords)
3. Extremely grateful for my partner, who helped me to clean the apartment yesterday and is really supportive of seeking more therapy.

 SO much has changed since the last time I was active on this account. 

Here's a quick run-down of things you need to know:

1. The dream job that I got? Yeah it was terrible and my coworkers were extremely abusive and I left it and the field of public policy entirely.
1.5. I'm back in the Twin Cities
2. I am now a full time witch, making money through tarot readings + teaching classes. Money is hard, but the work is good.
3. I now live with my partner. I refer to our home as "The Rookery," since we're both corvid enthusiasts.
4. Chronic pain got really, really bad this year. Had to leave my job as a housecleaner. Still workin on chronic pain stuff.
5. Just went through treatment for my eating disorder. Will probably talk a lot about living in ED recovery here, but don't worry - it'll be under a trigger warning/cut.
6. I'm also back here because I'm getting more and more into fanfic and miss fandom community. I'm mostly in the Harry Potter fandom, but want to expand a bit into Game of Thrones. 

That's kind of what you need to know? I think it is. Yes. 

I've been wanting to journal for a long time, but it doesn't work super well. I think it's because, when I had the most reliable journal, it was my Livejournal. I still keep a Book of Shadows, and plenty of notebooks, but a diary? Well. I guess this format is the best for me. 

One thing my therapist has recommended is keeping a gratitude journal. Not just things that I'm grateful for, but specifically things about my body that I'm grateful for. I've struggled to actually do that, largely because I want a gratitude journal to be ... more ephemeral? I don't know. This feels like a better format for that. And posting here is weirdly a different kind of accountability. It's easy to forget about a journal - but I'm online all the time. 

I've also been getting into fandom again. Unapologetically. Now that my "day job" is witchy shit, I need a hobby that takes me away from that entirely. Reading fiction has been a wonderful balm, and when I'm going through a rough time mental health wise, fanfiction is a lovely comfort. I actually started writing a fic this spring - it's Drarry, and it's been rolling around in my head for a year. I do a lot of writing for work, but no writing of fiction. Those feel like totally different thinking processes.

But yes, I WILL post my fic here, as well as on AO3. My username there is shopwitch , and I locked down the shopwitch journal here. I'll probably use that as the main spot to POST fic, but crosspost to here. So give that one a follow? There's nothing going on over there at the moment because I'm not quite ready to post. 

ANYWAY. That's a lot of business type stuff for this morning. It's a weekday morning and I am going to go take a nice long soak, because my workday technically doesn't start until later. 

Chat soon, y'all!

TRIGGER WARNING: I'm not placing this entry under a cut, mainly because I want to be open about my depression, which also means allowing this content to be that much more visible. There is no suicidal ideation - just depression and anxiety. BUT if you are really suffering right now and don't have the spoons or the energy to devote to reading this post, PLEASE skip past it. 

This week has been rough. I wasn't expecting that when it started. Most of Monday went very well, but then I got the call from my mom that my grandma was in the hospital and I totally flipped. Transitions are always hard for me, and I thought I was sooooo prepared for this one but clearly I was not. What came up for me this week was intense regret - regret that I haven't been able to make a career as a community organizer work without a master's degree, and shame that I'm starting school. It's a signal of failure. I didn't miraculously do it on my own - I didn't land the job I wanted to, I didn't accomplish what I set out to accomplish when I graduated with my BA.

Which the logical part of my brain knows is a total fallacy. I have made the best decisions I could make, all along this road, based on the information that I had. There are very few jobs in my chosen field, and about a dozen (or multiple dozens of) qualified candidates for each position, and so much of it is about being the right person in the right place at the right time. And when I'm suffering from depression and anxiety, it's so much harder to prove that I am that right person, or to see opportunities in spite of anxiety. It's so much harder to put myself in that right place.

Earlier today I read this fantastic article at The Hairpin - it's basically a conversation between very articulate women who suffer from depression. This conversation right here nailed some serious nuances of what it means to have mental health issues, and it really resonated with me. And particularly this quote:

"Relying on external validation is easy, right? We have so many examples of what it means to gain a sense of self from what other people say about us, what positions or awards or bylines we get, who chooses to associate with us. And all those things can be incredibly gratifying! But at the end of the day, depression will find a way to make you think every last one of those things isn’t worth a damn. The act of cultivating a love for yourself that isn’t contingent on markers of validation feels not just cute but imperative."

I need to cultivate that self-love. I need to truly accept that success isn't always about being offered the job you want, or about getting the grant, or about being honored with some award. And what's more - I can do everything in my power to get a job, to be that successful woman in charge of campaigns or research, doing what she loves - but there will always be things that are outside of my control. I can't make anyone hire me - I can only make the most of the opportunities I'm given, that I've worked for.

So I need to claim success on my own terms. And the biggest part of that? Accepting me in all my glory, no matter where I'm at or what I'm doing. No matter what my job is, or how many creative projects I have going, or how "stable" I feel. I need to recognize that I have power, that I have creative energy, no matter what my employment situation. I need to find ways to make validation come from within.

And that is not easy. 

Writing this entry is one step of that process. Articulating this journey in words is a step in a right direction.

A friend of mine posted that she was declaring this Self-Care September for her, and I think I'm gonna jump on that bandwagon. She's got all sorts of ideas that will work for her, and I have only a couple, but it's a start.

Here's my list:

1. Gratitude/Pride Journal: Each day write down three things I am either grateful for or proud of having accomplished.

2. Feed Myself: Make and keep food that nourishes me, that doesn't make me feel sick, and don't forget to eat when I'm at school. This will probably look like planning out my week around food every Sunday.

3. Allow Time to Recharge: I'm taking the train to and from school every day. I'm going to set aside at least one way of my commute for reading something not connected to school, like readin knitting, or to journaling. 

4. Implement an Envelope Budget: Basically, all the income for my full semester is going to be given to me up front (from loans and scholarships), and I have Anxiety about that. So, to make sure that I'm toeing the line, I'm going to operate on a mainly-cash basis. Every month, I'll withdraw an amount of cash that I have budgeted for specific things. And when the cash is gone - it's gone. Matt also really likes this idea, so he'll be helping out with it.

Those aren't huge shifts - They're more like being mindful of certain triggers. I didn't want to pen myself in to something I can't maintain, especially because there's just a huge schedule shift that's going to happen with grad school. But it's a start.

I think I'm most excited about #1 (and might share with you all.)

What have you found that works for self care? What strategies do you use to manage mental illness? I'd love to hear from you if you're willing to share!

 I've been meaning to write a sort-of retrospective on the year since my birthday, and haven't gotten around to it because summer is Crazy. (I'm 27, y'all, when did that happen?!)

I spent all last weekend at or traveling to the Remember the Kalamazoo event. Five years ago in Kalamazoo and Battle Creek, the largest inland oil spill in US History happened, and because it was tar sands oil it sank to the bottom of the river, where it still sits. In order to get it out of the river, they need to dredge it, and even that isn't working.

So it was a weekend of sitting with allies in Michigan as they remember what was once here, fight to stop the pipelines and to stop this from happening again, and looking forward to a future. We also took a toxic tour of the BP-Whiting refinery on our way home, led by the only activist in the small company town. It was horrific - to see what refinery communities have to deal with, have to live with. I stepped off the bus and could barely breathe because of the particulate matter in the air. There's an oil spill that's been sitting there for basically five years, with no real clean-up efforts because it's on industrial land. 

The whole experience was chilling. Some might even say Orwellian.

But that all deserves its own post!

There's an all-day climate change solutions visioning workshop today that I RSVPd for when I got back from Kalamazoo, but now that I've gone through a week of intense stress about grad school logistics, I'm feeling like I really just need to have a quiet morning with my coffee, my computer, my notebooks, and my plans. I feel more like reflecting, and then getting a ton of job applications done, some of my commissioned research, and maybe even writing.

Great Things About This Last Year:

• Took a couple of great vacations with Matt - to the UP, and again to Lutsen Lodge
• Applied to and got in to grad school
• Deepened some friendships, let go of one particularly toxic friendship
• Quit the horrible, soul-sucking job back in January
• Was extremely productive with my writing - I am >thisclose< to finishing my first novel!
• Got much more involved in environmental activism again - finding my place in the movement, after I was forced out by my previous job
• Committed in a new way to my spiritual practice, with rituals almost every month. It feels like I'm really taking charge of life through spirituality.
• Got commissioned to work on a huge march, which was really gratifying - yes, I have worth and am offering something to the movement.
• Found out about Dreamwidth! This has been fantastic - and has also kicked my butt to journal a whole lot more.
• I've seen some GREAT music live this year.
• Women's weekend was fantastic - spending time with family was definitely a priority last year.
• Figuring out that I need to cut dairy out of my life, and committing to being a healthier person physically, mentally, and emotionally. This has become more of a constant in my life, and I'm so thankful for that.

Challenges From This Last Year (OR: Why I'm a Much Stronger Person Now):

• The parts of this year when I was working at Horrible Job were horrible. Dealing with constant ageist microaggressions, trying to change my boss' racist ways, feeling completely controlled and helpless, trying to work toward justice with people I was organizing with but being undermined by my boss and my organization's goals ... all bad news that meant almost daily anxiety attacks. That was hard, y'all.
• It was really, really hard to break up with my old friend, but it had to be done. I'm still feeling really emotional about this in some ways, but it's getting easier.
• This year, Matt and I went through a streak of being either apart or having tension in our relationship for 5 months. I think we've rounded the bend, have had some deep and open conversation, and things feel like they're finally coming back to a normal place.
• MONEY. I had saved enough to cover a couple of months before I quit the job, but finding money and making ends meet has been a near-constant problem.
• Depression has reared its ugly head, but I continue to work through it.

Looking FORWARD: The Year To Come

• HOLY SHIT Y'ALL I START GRAD SCHOOL IN A MONTH.
• Trying to find a balance with grad school and my volunteer work - which, while stressful, really gives me a sense of purpose.
• Unforeseen opportunities: internships, research assistantships, meeting new people, building my network, all those great things
• Finishing my novel! And starting the editing process.
• Continuing my spiritual practice. I'm particularly excited to start in on the Alternative Tarot Course by Beth Maiden.
• Matt and I are going to try to fit in some awesome backpacking trips! We're probably going to do an overnight this coming week, and will be doing a section of the Superior Hiking Trail. More camping and nature in general!
• More live music, travel, festivals, play with friends, good times yay!
• More writing - I want to write more about things like climate change, spirituality, feminism, anti-oppression work, my experiences as a queer woman, etc. Not only that, but I want to write more short stories - I'm not ready to dive into another novel, but I want to keep my chops up

Whew! What a year it's been, what a year it will be! I'm so excited for the things that I don't know about, and I'm so grateful for all the experiences of the last year. I'm a much stronger person now than I was before, and I look forward to this next year.

Thank you, everyone who's had a part in this, and to the Dreamwidth community! You're wonderful, and supportive, and this site has been a truly fantastic discovery.

Peace and love and kindness to all of you!